


You in Snake Breath?

by webmowgli



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Purgatory, Gen, Poker, Purgatory, Silly, Talking smack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webmowgli/pseuds/webmowgli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Purgatory-limbo is boring.  Forced to get along (for the most part), all the Hidden Villages dead laze about gossiping, eating snacks, talking smack and generally being useless.  Snippets of the after-life for shinobi.<br/>If inspired, perhaps there will be further chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You in Snake Breath?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Naruto, Amazon, eBay, OPI, Chex, Cosmopolitan, LazyBoy, Iron Man 3 or anything else you recognize.  
> Warnings for petty language, gambling, implied drug use/smoking, Orochimaru being pervy, Itachi looking stupid, thieving Hokages and man-purses.

“You in Snake Breath?”

“Hit me” replies said man with a creepy as Hell leer.  
“Don’t tempt me asshat…” floats from across the table.  
“Less bullshitting, more betting people” emphatically implores Kakuzu.  
“Tobi’s a good boy!! Tobi will take two please!!”  
With a roll of eyes “Here ya go jackwagon…yeah”  
“Dei-why are you always so mean to him? He can’t help it… and I’m out.”  
“Konan – who seriously comes to Purgatory inflicted with multiple personalities? Really?”  
“Tobi apparently. Get over it. I’ll take one” replies the esteemed 4th Hokage.  
“Tobi will play CandyLand next with Senpai!!” gushes the man-child.

Deidara immediately appears panicked. Kakuzu knocks twice on the oak table and looks to the final player. “Chiyo?”  
“I’ll take one dearie. Thank you.” Dei wakes from his heinous visions and complies with a further “aaaand I’ll take one” relinquishing the deck to a place in front of his might-as-well-be-nonexistent winnings.  
Numerous “hmmm”s and “mehhh”s, and one “wheee” pop from the circle of gamblers.

Orochimaru daintily (daintily?!) drops 200 ryo and an IOU into the center. Kakuzu grabs the note and peruses its contents. “Yo dickhead-this isn’t valid!”  
“In what way do you mean sir?  
“You cannot bet ‘massage’ time with your boy toy!! No pimping allowed!” growls Stitches while crumpling the paper and flicking it at the Snake.

Everyone (lightening fast) surreptitiously checks Kabuto’s reaction as he sits quietly reading in the LazyBoy recliner in the corner: spitting his tea and practically dropping the teacup in his lap; looks like Disgust & Haughty Disdain #2 today.

“Tobi’s a good boy!!” One kunai thrown and deftly caught by Tobi later, Dei sighs…

“Fine!” blurts Orochi and dumps an entirely full box of nicotine patches onto the pile.

Tobi rummages in his man-purse, emerging with Itachi’s aviator sunglasses (won in a fearsome bout two weeks back) and a battered illegal Hong Kong dubbed copy of the unreleased in Asia Deluxe Edition Iron Man 3 to join his 150 ryo pushed to the center.

The 4th proceeds to place two unopened bottles of OPI brand nail polish (Blood Bath and Tutti Frutti colored), a bag of Chex Mix, the current month’s copy of Kushina’s Cosmo magazine and 130 ryo upon the table.  
“Somebody’s confident…” Konan smirks. The 4th simply raises an eyebrow.

Kakuzu very carefully slides 3 neatly stacked columns of ryo to the center pile. “300 ryo, bitches and I’ll raise you Hidan’s ‘missing’ Jashin pendant. Bring it.”

Tobi’s eye grows wide and starts mumbling about “dirty words”, bloody chipmunks and soap suds…

Casually, Kakuzu turns his head to Chiyo. “Madame, your bet.”  
Just as casually, she deposits a pink Taser, 15 smoke bombs, one vial of blue paralytic, 12 meters of piano wire and 50 ryo on the pile.

Deidara, feeling the pressure, reaches for his pack, from which he pulls his condensed ‘Joy of Cooking-Up Explosive Shit, Un!’ Within (sandwiched between the last page of ‘Appendix B: First Aid for Sloppy Artists ‘and the first page of ‘Appendix C: Table of Tensile Strength for known and suspected metals Vs. Titanium as of 12 Dec 2009’) resides a very carefully preserved and costly COPY of the only known commemorative photo from the “Uchiha FAIL (or the day Itachi scorched all his leg hair and fell under the mercy of Kisame’s salon waxing skills for cleanup-and the misery that ensued.”

Many “ooohs” and a “sweet!” linger in the air as all and sundry peruse the full color nightmare through the protective slipcase. Gently it is placed among the booty. Deidara sits back with a devilish smile and an “Un”.

Getting huffy, poor Orochi throws his cards down and stumbles away from the game whispering renditions of “I hate-choo alllllllllll”. Kabuto barks out a laugh while holding a big ‘L’ for loser against his forehead with his right hand.

Mask pushed up to reveal two lips nibbling on his left thumbnail, Tobi appears to be mulling his options. One final nod he slips his mask back down, removes a cosmetic case from the man-purse, and unzips it to reveal a pristine tube of POW!-Chakra Infused Eyeliner, still shrink-wrapped. 

There is only shocked silence from the group. You see this product is very difficult to find these days, even through the afterlife’s versions of Amazon and Ebay.   
Relinquishing his prize to the pile, Tobi sits back with decorum. Tobi is a smart boy too.

Deadly stoic, the Yellow Flash reaches into his inner coat pocket and flicks out a recipe card. Upon this card resides the infamous and much coveted recipe for Grandmother Uzamaki’s Exploding Dragon Energy Bars. 

Konan chokes on her own spit. Tobi beats her back till she stops hacking. Dei is drooling.

“Eeeh, right then. Let’s proceed. Show ‘em people!” barks Kakuzu.   
Chiyo states “I’m infinitely grateful you did not use that phrase while the snaky douchbag was still here…” Dei again looks ill and disquieted, but flips his cards as does all those remaining.

“Aww man-I almost had you!” Whines Dei-chan. “I threw a three away!”  
“It matters not baka. Chiyo spanked us both with her three Kings” points out Kakuzu as he tries to maintain his calm. You win some, you lose some. You move on. At least that’s what the therapist says.

“Hey morons, I’ve got a straight, Queen high, thankyouverymuch.” Chiyo deflates. “Nicely played Minato-sama.”  
“Yeah baby! Good thing too since Kushina woulda killed me for losing her Cosmo…” cards fly to the center of the table in defeat amidst the hoo-hah.

“Excuse me-but I believe you forgot someone.” Pointing to Tobi, Konan smirks (which is almost as creepy in its scarcity as Orochimaru’s facial expressions are regularly).  
“Tobi wins!! Tobi wins!!” he screeches jumping up and down like a jack in the box.

“What?! No way! Royal flush my ass…” Minato yells. “To think I defended you earlier…phaugh!”  
“Your ass does not look flushed at present dear. Just an FYI.” Simpers a slightly harsh and possibly calculating voice from above Minato’s bushy head.  
Silence.  
...  
..  
.  
“Look pretty lady! Tobi won!”

Smiling “I see that Tobi – well done. Tell you what; let’s gather your booty and you come with Konan back to my house. I’ll show you some tricks to get the Energy Bars spiced just right. Kay?”

“Okay!! Wheee! That’s alotta loot!” Man Purse is now the size of an Akimichi after barbeque.

“Plus this sojourn will allow my beloved a head start before I proceed to kick his thieving Hokage ass all the way to Whirlpool.”  
More silence.  
..  
.  
“Okee dokee then. We’re outta here – shank ya later Namikaze!” Kakuzu bleats as he stumbles over Dei-chan’s mopey person exiting the group. “Move it lard ass…”  
Dei’s hand mouths blow raspberries as he drags himself towards anywhere that’s not close to here.

Chiyo rolls her eyes, and a doobie, on her way back home for tea. What? It’s medicinal!

Minato hangs his head, lowly whining ‘Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapp’. 

It’s a rather peaceful evening. Despite the upcoming ass-kicking, he thinks.

“Oh Sensei! There you are! I was going to go work on my new genjutsu and maybe torment Jiraiya-sama by the bath house. You in?” says Rin as she adjusts her headband and plops into Konan’s vacated seat.  
“Kami yes! Let’s go now!” he whispers as he drags her (practically ass-over-teakettle) toward the southern forest of Purgatory.


End file.
